How Love Can Grow When You’re Apart
Photo By: Eliana Morte
I left my husband for 3 ½ months during COVID. He stayed in our hometown of Hamilton, where he works as a professor at McMaster University and I left with my 16-year-old twin sons for my hometown in New Mexico where they could swim competitively.
I wondered and worried about the effect this might have on our relationship.
I would have previously said we couldn’t have been away from each other so long.We’ve been married for 20 years and rarely spend a day apart. What we found out was that the separation was totally fine, and it opened up a totally new freedom for both of us. We missed each other but we were fine. We have deep trust in our marriage. We aren’t jealous and we allow that the other person is having a good life. We don’t have to always be together. We also learned that we prefer life together.
Years ago I took a relationship course in Boulder, Colorado by a coach who helped people find new relationships. It was after the end of a relationship and the coach explained that intimacy in relationships is determined by the man and autonomy is determined by the woman.
Don’t get me started on the heterosexism of this statement or the binary nature of love. But in some weird way, he had a point. We limit our intimacy and autonomy in relationships. We stop engaging in going too deep or pull back. We constrain the freedom of our partners. We constrain ourselves and our partners and live a little bit smaller than we have to. We all limit our own capacity in relationships in some way when it comes to intimacy and autonomy. As a coach, I am aware of the opportunity people have to expand that capacity in personal relationships.
On Valentine’s Day during another extended time away, my husband sent a dozen roses
with a card that said, “I would choose you again.” I think what we learned during our time away is that although we are fine apart, we would choose each other again and again.
Esther Perel of Mating In Captivity says, “Spending time apart allows our partner to re-occupy our imagination—particularly the part that shrinks when daily life together becomes predictable. It allows us to reconnect with the way that we imagine them without being instantly constrained by reality.” I have found this to be true.
This experience of being apart has changed our marriage fundamentally. For example, I now feel completely free to travel alone if I want to. I also went on a 9 day solo road trip where I drove from Austin, Texas to New Orleans.
New Orleans for Beignets at Cafe De Monde
Then I drove up the Natchez Trace–one of the prettiest roads in the world. It is actually a National Park and it is fully curated. You have to drive 50 miles per hour on the Trace but it is gorgeous.
Natchez Trace
It takes about 10 hours to drive from Natchez, Mississippi to Nashville, Tennessee. There are a variety of stops that are interesting and the views are beautiful.
In Nashville, I stopped at the Dive Motel (this is one of my all-time favorite places to stay!) and had a great time with some folks chatting in the hot tub. It was there that I realized how much better the trip was when I was hanging out with others. It was the highlight of my trip.
Dive Motel, Nashville Tennessee
Despite the beautiful scenery, I discovered I don’t love traveling alone. I really like having a companion to talk with when I travel and while I had a good time meeting people along the way, I had to work really hard to stay happy and joyful while I was feeling lonely while I was traveling alone. I was surprised by this loneliness, because I hardly ever feel alone in my busy life. It has been interesting to discover this about myself. I want to both honor it and challenge myself to stretch and grow in interesting ways. How can I enjoy being alone? How can I expand my comfort zone to invite new people to travel with me? How can I flip my paradigm, so I don’t make my world too small and limit my options?
Hot tub at the Dive Motel
My husband is in a long-term leadership role that leaves him unable to travel as much as I am able to right now. I’m trying to figure out how to create my own happiness and autonomy without waiting for him to be free. This year I am experimenting with travelling with a good friend to Costa Rica to an all inclusive resort and with a group on a celebrity cruise. I opted to be paired with a roommate so I wouldn’t feel like I was traveling alone. I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes. Will I snore? Will we get along? Will we annoy each other. We have talked on the phone and I think these risks are worth it for the chance of making a new friend and sharing a trip with someone new.
This solo travel is a big change after 20 years of marriage. It has me questioning what else I can change in my life for the better. Could I similarly increase the intimacy in our relationship? Are there other ways Mel and I could grow and change as we become empty nesters next year? How might the fun quotient improve?
Photo By: Josefine Sjöstrand
I wonder about you…What do you want more of in your life and relationships? I love having these conversations with my coaching clients and I would love to hear from you. Send a reply to melanie@experimentalleader.com! I would love to hear about what you are thinking!
Leave a Comment